So September was going to be MY month to truly challenge myself, make myself take the time and ask myself the tough questions. I thought knowing what I wanted and who I wanted to be would be easy, but in reality it was emotionally tolling. One night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and started making lists of what I want in my personal life, career, and relationships. I stared at the page forever, slowly writing a few things, I went to bed with a start but not a finish. As soon as I laid my head down on the pillow, I started panicking and quietly crying. I was afraid that what I wrote down didn't reflect how I feel now, I wrote that I want to be filled with joy, but did that mean I wasn't currently filled with joy, did it mean that maybe I was depressed again, ALL these questions hitting me right square in the heart.
I didn't let the fear take over though, and pushed forward. The next day on the train, I finished my list and was filled with pride that I over took the demons. Slowing I will work on the things that I want out of life and become the person I see in the future. I don't want to change everything all at once, because lets be honest if you change everything at once nothing sticks. And I want this to stick, so I'm taking it slow making sure that I make changes that will last and help make me better in the future.
WHAT I WANT....PERSONAL:
- To be filled with joy.
- Have undeniable self-confidence
- Not be afraid of others thoughts and perceptions
- To live comfortably: not extravagantly but not pinching pennies
- Dress they way I WANT to and the way I admire others (think 1950s)!
- Feel comfortable with my body. To feel and believe I am sexy.
- Get healthy - important for future and family.
- Be admired by others
- To be happy and have this happiness shine through me and be an example
- To be spiritual
At the end of September and for October I will be working on a few things that are in my "Personal" list. I will share with you the journey I have as each month working on something from each of my lists.
That's a great start, Sho! It's definitely not an easy journey. I would recommend that you have a saying or mantra that you say to yourself often. One of the things I would say to myself when I'd be frustrated with a person or a decision would be "FTB". F that B.. lol Another one I'd say (and friends would say) is, "Do you know who I am? I'm Dennis MFN Hicks!" hahaha It always makes me feel like I can do anything.
ReplyDeleteI admire you in the sense that you made a choice to pack up, move to another country and live life. Whether you figure it all out during your time there or not, you've started the process and that's what's really important.
Just so you know, in 100% honesty, I know you are admired by others (including me!). Especially moving across the world to learn more about yourself. It's something many of us want to do but lack the courage. I see you move where led and taking risks and chances. Your honesty is something to be admired as well!
ReplyDeleteAlso one of things on my list is to be filled with joy (and love). So much so that it overflows out of me and spills onto everyone I meet. I think this kind of joy and real self-confidence work together and influence each other. I've spent the last 2 years working on these things and reminding myself how important they are.
Keep going lady! You're doing GREAT!!!!!